Drifting Off
by DaPimp
Summary: Mad-Eye wasn't always 'mad', he wasn't always the Auror we know. What happenedto turn Moody into the greatest Auror the Ministry had to offer. Pre DH. Spoilers for HBP


**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I do not own the characters or even the song that inspired it ('Khe Sanh' by Cold Chisel)**

**A/N: ok, so this takes place in between books 6 and 7. So if you haven't read up to there then you are in trouble. I tell you who dies up to Deathly Hallows…well not everyone… ENJOY**

I have no heart, I lost it. I left it with every man, woman or child I found. My heart was ripped into smaller pieces with every family discovered with that horrid Mark hovering over them. How can one have a heart when the pieces that put it together are so small? With no heart what's the point in living? _Truly_ living. I was no longer alive, I was merely breathing, no feelings to speak of. So I offered the Ministry my full services, my soul, but never the remains of my broken heart. Such emotionless servitude can only be understood by those who have seen and fought death daily, and lost so many times. We are veterans, we lived long enough to be considered 'veterans', how hollow that word sounds now.

The days of naivety had gone and the need for 'Constant Vigilance' reined supreme. In the days before Voldemort there were no 'War Heroes', nobody was 'Battle Hardened'. Being a hero meant catching the Snitch, being 'Battle Hardened' meant being ready for a rough game of Quidditch. The innocence with which we lived was dashed. My faith in the world disappeared, bit by bit. I'm good at what I do, before retirement I was the best Auror the Ministry had to offer. Over the years I have lost things such as my eye, or a part of my nose, my leg, but what stays with me the most is my loss of self. I forgot who I was, all I could feel was this need for justice, and when I saw her, I walked away. She was set to teach the next generation, to prepare them for the trying times ahead, and me? I was set for Albania, trying to intervene before that monster could hurt any more people.

She was like so many at that time. She thought her life was empty so she searched for 'the One'. People married hastily and eloped just as frequently, everyone was trying to justify their lives. She was no different, her legs were often open, but her mind was always closed and her heart was held in vast chains. I never followed my yearning to settle down with her, I wish I had. She was my only hope in the dangerous world. It hurts a little more every time I see her at the Order meetings. She could have saved me, but now I am only a shadow of the man I once was. 'Paranoid' is a nice was to describe myself, I know they all think I'm mad, but it's societies lack of vigilance that lead us into this situation in the first place. Despite my change I have never stopped dreaming of the life we could have had if I had kept some of myself, rather than constantly aligning myself with a 'side'. First the Ministry, then Dumbledore and the Order.

During my time with the Ministry I worked all over the country: up in the mountains, down the coast, in central London and even the plains, trying to find a place to call home. Everywhere I went I was hoping for some sort of epiphany, why I felt responsible, why I felt like I had to do something, why I didn't just run away with her when I had the chance. But when I went to that damned school to see Dumbledore, and I saw her walking those halls again I knew why. I was damaged goods, I had seen too much, experienced too much, she deserved someone whole. She's still searching for 'the One'. I gave everything I had to the Ministry to prove I was good enough, that I was worthy of that rare, thin-lipped smile.

I kept taking missions and assignments, trying to distract myself from the sadness I felt every time my mind wandered back to her. Each mission more dangerous, every new assignment breaking the remains of my heart a little bit more. Every time I came home I was harder, gruffer, until eventually I was considered 'mad', but still the damn best the Ministry could offer. I've been back to Albania, too see where I went wrong. Why my actions meant nothing, how that snake escaped me. I would go back again but I have responsibilities here.

I know why I hang around. I'm needed. The Order needs me. Main instigators have died and been awarded the title of 'Fallen Hero'. Dumbledore, James, Lily, Gideon and Fabian Prewett just to mention a few. But we have lost heroes that didn't get a fanfare or even a proper goodbye, Sirius Black left a legacy forgotten by most. I stay around because I don't want to be forgotten, I sacrificed everything to defeat Voldemort and I will see justice.

My time is coming to a close, I know that. Veterans eventually die, making way for the young blood. I will not give up without a fight. I will not go down to anyone less than Voldemort himself. I will prove that I am good enough. I will continue to be the one everyone turns to, and by Merlin, I will give everything again to see Potter win. I will keep you as close as you allow me. Until then Minerva, Constant Vigilance.

**Ok, so that was a quick look at Mad-Eye, it is my firm belief that Mad-Eye had more than just stress to contribute to the persona he displayed. I realise it is very OOC but hey, I think he was a bit of a softie deep down… very deep down… ALSO I think Minnie needed a lil but of lovin'**

**This was largely inspired by the Aussie Song 'Khe Sanh' by Cold Chisel. the song highlights the effects of war on the veterans, pretty upbeat song, not like "YAY! I went to war!" but like just like recounting his hardships. Hey, its an Aussie song, what can I say? And its Pub Rock, so of course its like that. it's a great song, I grew up with it and Australia Day isn't really Australia Day without it. Also, if you don't know it then you are SO not Aussie. Hehe**

**Tips Hat**

**DaPimp**


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